Sample Feedback on IELTS Writing Task 2

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Today we’ll look at sample feedback on an IELTS Writing Task 2 essay. Read and improve your own writing before your next exam!sample feedback ielts writing task 2

IELTS Task 2 Question:

Many parents today are allowing their children access to laptops, tablets and/or smartphones every day. Some feel that there should be stricter limits put on this screen time.

Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

Here is an essay written by a student:

Smartphones became essential belongings in our lives. And PC or portable computer, like tablet, are familiar devices in school these days.

“These devices are wonderful.” Some moms and dads would say. One big reason why they love is kids become quiet when they are using it. Most children do games on screen. Games are creative now so kids love. Parents can do their work while their little ones concentrate on screens.

But recently there are unhappy researches. They noticed a side affect of using screen devices. Specialists alert us to let kids allowed using devices without rules.

The research said mainly two things. First is Cyber crime. Young kids are unfortunately easily involved in crime through the Internet. The second thing is addiction. Addiction leads a lack of real communication. Attachment, Love can only get from parents or other caregivers and between people’s real eye to eye communication. Even the game on the screen is focused on communication and socialization, it is not enough.

We are in technology world and can not close our eyes and turn our back. But we can use these devices in safe. I would like to set two rules. I am a boy’s mom and my son likes playing games on tablet. We discussed and set a time rule. He can play thirty minutes a day and not at night. The another rule is a place. I do not allow him to switch on tablets in his bedroom. He plays in the same room with me like living room.

We can live happily with a “digital magical notebook”, if we think before turn on.

 

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Task Response:

Cohesion/Coherence:

  • There appear to be 6 paragraphs. There should only be 4 paragraphs.
  • The introduction only has 2 sentences and the conclusion only has 1 sentence. There should be at least 3 sentences in a paragraph.
  • There are few linking words / transition words used.

Vocabulary:

Grammar:

  • “Research” is uncountable, so “researches” is wrong.
  • More than one sentence is begun with a conjunction, “but”. Conjunctions should only be used in the middle, to link two independent clauses.

What are your comments on today’s essay?

Share your feedback in the comments section below!

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